The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
