Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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