I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
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Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
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My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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