First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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