Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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