____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
