You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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