i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize