You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
