life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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