just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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