Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
