To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
