there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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