the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
