Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
