I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize