cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
