can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
