when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
