I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
