i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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