Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
