I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Sorry about my life...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
