So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
