Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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