Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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