the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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