I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
