you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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