so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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