Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
im six kinds of drunk right now
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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