Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
