i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
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