You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
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He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Dignity is for republicans.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
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Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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