Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
