he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So many bounce houses so little time
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
