I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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