im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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