I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
