Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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