you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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