I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
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