yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
