i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
