they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
