Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
