fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
