Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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