You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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