Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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