What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
