i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
