Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Come on in and take your pants off
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