found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
