I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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