I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
