I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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